As the weeks went by and i started feeling more tired, nauseous and crampy (most frustrating thing of my life) it still didn't sink in. To me i was just sick. 2 pee sticks and a visit to the doctor didn't even tell my brain the inevitable. I have this way of easily brushing things off my shoulder. And then i went to my first ultrasound appointment, and there it was... a tiny bean, a little blob. but still, i mean really, for all i knew that was my stomach, and there was my del taco from earlier. More time started passing and i started throwing up, and becoming more susceptible to smells. Dont get me wrong i was doing the things i needed to be doing to take care of this little "bean" but i still wasnt comfortable with people outside of my close knit circle of family and friends knowing about this so-called miracle of life. Even though i was partly in denial I wont lie, it is the most precious thing to watch your husband become a father (i know i obviously havent even seen the half of it). He started referring to me as babies "how are my babies doing" as he gently rubs my tummy. (he even sometimes prefers to rub my tummy, instead of my "twin peaks", if you know what im sayin.)
I was almost beginning to think i had no heart, like honestly, can i take anything in life seriously? instead of just breezing by, can i for once stop and think about this situation i have before me. And finally it came, i had my 2nd appointment for another ultrasound, and there it was, i saw a head, a little nose, the Dr informed me that was a hand, and those are feet. What the hell, it was the weirdest experience i've ever encountered, but then it got more weird. He puts the thingy in video mode, and its moving, its wiggling and kicking and bouncing up and down and im holding my breath and concentrating and trying desperately to feel it happening inside of me (the Dr. of course informed me to wait perhaps another month to feel anything) and then weirdness melted into joy, me and jay are laughing because this little bean just will not stay still, and then i start to tear up, and my eyes started leaking, and im thinking to myself, hold the phone, am i actually showing emotion over this thing? Did this just become real? I have living, breathing, growing, developing life inside me, and im staring at the screen and im seeing this black and white version of the rest of my life, and all i can think is "i just became a mother."
I chose to write this short story via my blog for a couple of reasons. least importantly, i hate being cheesy on FB and i just couldn't come up with a clever way to tell people im pregnant. more importantly I really wanted people to know this story, it used to be important to me to let people know i was NOT trying to have a baby and me and jay weren't the type to be married for 5 seconds and jump into something this drastic, i mean come on that just screams lets be the classic young mormon family who next buys a van and front row tickets to church every sunday. We, quite honestly, didn't even have a plan past our Lake Powell trip this summer. Most importantly im an open book, ask and you shall receive. It wasn't enough for me to write it in my journal and wait for my great great grandkids to pull it out of the attic one day. I wanted these last couple months of mixed emotion to be known because now, aside from the morning sickness (dont let it fool you, it doesnt just occur in the morning) im the happiest camper there is and i just absolutely cannot wait till, January 23-ish, 2013
|we shall call him/her alfalfa.. for now|